Voices in my Head

An acquaintance once told me that everyone hears voices. But only crazy people believe everything the voices say. We all have voices from people in our pasts, telling us things... Some good, encouraging, supportive. Other voices are derisive, dismissive, and tear us down. For most of us, for better or for worse, our parents' voices are among the loudest in our heads. 

I am getting better, with practice, at ignoring those voices. But they are still there. And the messages they tell me conflict, and add to my sense of confusion. They tell me, when I am sick (which is often, with my chronic health issues. I have adrenal insufficiency and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, which cause fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue) that I am faking or exaggerating my symptoms and I need to stop being so lazy and learn to use my time wisely. Even though I am married with no kids and only work very part time, due to the health problems... So many days, it really doesn't matter if I do anything or not. But I still hear those voices saying I'm lazy if I don't work all the time. I ignore them most of the time, but I still hear them. I hear my Mom criticizing me for wasting money and "no wonder you are sick" whenever I cook anything that's not from scratch. No matter if its carefully chosen to be organic and free of chemicals, and I'm so tired that if I had to cook from scratch I just wouldn't eat. 

Don't get me wrong, the voices aren't all bad. Sometimes I bust into giggles because I know exactly what funny one-liner my Dad would say in response to something that happened, or something someone said. 

But for the most part, they are critical and depressing, a heavy burden to bear. An excellent book I am reading, "Trapped in the Mirror, Adult Children of Narcissists in  Their Struggle For Self" by Élan Golemb, Ph.D., called these voices a "negative parental interject". And pretty much the only way to heal seems to be to learn to talk back to that internal parent, to "rebel" in a way. Sometimes I do that. Other times I just roll my eyes and ignore the voices. Which is also a form of rebellion I guess.